the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize