I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
