Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
