she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
this hospital has no fireball
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize