The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
