Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
