I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize