i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
