I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
