Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
