I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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