we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
