Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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