This is not my ceiling
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
