I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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