Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
