you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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