also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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