i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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