it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
