she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
