guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
