If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
