My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
