Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
