I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm like, not good at living.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
