Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
