he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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