feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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