Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
