who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
