Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
