His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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