I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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