R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
