so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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