The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
3pm strippers are depressing
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
