I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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