My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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