the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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