We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize