i think my mom watched the whole time
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
