glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize