planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
