Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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