Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
