Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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