I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
