I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
