I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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