and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
