i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
