Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
