I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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