How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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