I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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