I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
