It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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