In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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