She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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