I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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