THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
