Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
