M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
