And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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