Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
