Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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