I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We had sex on a dog bed..
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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