You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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