Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
