I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
