Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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