My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
