i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
